final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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