The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
