Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
