he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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