you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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