Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
