i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I wish you could order shots online.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Randomize
