Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
