We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
