My cat gives me a boner
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
