She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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