I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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