You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
