This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
