Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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