Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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