my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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