im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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