and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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