Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
