I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Randomize