Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
