how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
