Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
