All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
she peed on how many people?
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Couch. On fire.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
