Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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