Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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