@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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