Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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