I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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