508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
