You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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