If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
