We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
