You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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