I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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