he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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