Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
