why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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