my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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