**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
