I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize