Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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