I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
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