You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
try to milk me bitch
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