So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
