Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
