I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she pinky promised me she was 18
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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