Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
