dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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