Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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