my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Even my vagina gasped.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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