I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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