Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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