Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
