mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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